Interview With ZHA: The Southampton Lengman And Facial Hair Connoisseur

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ZHA (aka The Southampton Lengman aka Uncle Za aka Beardyman 2.0) has taken the Southampton music scene by storm with his signature 140bpm/Garage/Grime sound. With the support from the likes of Logan Sama, Spooky, Novelist and Slackk, ZHA has managed to firmly cement his presence in the UK Grime scene in the past year. Apart from shelling clubs up and down the country, ZHA also runs two labels, White Peach and Fent Plates: “White Peach is leng music and Fent Plates is music for the gallydem

We managed to catch a few words with the Lengman himself:

Yo ZHA?

YOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

So your latest EP is called “Southampton Lengman”. How did the name come about?

Well my next EP is actually the “Deep EP” (coming out on 10.05.14 through Bandcamp), but “Southampton Lengman” will be out in a month or so with a ton of sick remixes. It came about because Southampton is an overly leng city and I am in fact, the chief of all Lengmen, so that makes me the Southampton Lengman. Holding such a title comes with responsibilities, but without the assistance from other lengmen, I couldn’t do it.

So, what else is coming up for you release and gig-wise?

Loads of tings to be honest. Remixes. EPs. Just music. “Levels” is coming out on vinyl, my Coolie Joyride remix will be out on Ghost House Records on vinyl. Gig wise, plenty, but could always play out more. Southampton, Portsmouth, Bournemouth, Bristol, London and more!

Anything to look out for coming up on White Peach and Fent Plates in the future?

Fent Plates stuff is under wraps but the lush “Hieroglyphics EP” by Sorrow dropped, which has been selling like warm cakes. Yes. Warm cakes. White Peach has a bunch of vinyl coming out soon with a digital only series coming out too. I can’t really chat about too much just yet, but what I can say is the next vinyl coming out has four lovely tracks on it from myself, OH91, Sorrow & Lington.

Right so, lets talk music. Im gonna ask you a few questions about your music selection and you give me your track of choice and why. Cool? Cool.

The intro track on my next set will be … Mssingno – Skeezers. For the babes obviously.

To rescue the dance I always draw for … Mo’ Fire Crew – Oi. It’s a classic.

The most pulled tune in my bag is … ZHA – Southampton Lengman. Gets wheeled about 3 times every time.

I wish had signed … to my label: Disclosure. Would have made bare £££££££.

IMO, the most underrated tune of the year is … ZHA – Deep. I just like it and nobody else does. (Disclaimer: This is not totally true as ZHA very well knows that I also think the track is sick.)

The tune no one expects me to like … Keaton Henson – You. Cause I’m 2deep4u

One guy you should watch out for is … Meridian Dan. I called it first here, exclusive at Sotonight.

The track I’d play to clear the floor at Jesters … Pulse X. Are you MAHDDDD?!

One track to describe the ZHA alias … ZHA – Daal. It’s Hip-hop, Grime, Garage and grit.

So getting to most the important matter. I see you’re an avid facial hair enthusiast. How do you maintain such fullness of that rug under your chin? Any advice for all the budding facial hair newbies out there?

Right so, if you genuinely want to have a good beard and none of this bullshit curly crap that I see so many inbreds wearing, you need to put the time in. Don’t just think not shaving is growing a beard. To begin with, let it grow out a few millimetres. If it is patchy, allow it, honestly, you’re some sort of wasteman kid that can’t even grow a beard so allow your life and go back to growing some bullshit moustache and listen to Techno. If it isn’t patchy then congratulations, now go use a blade to shape your beard. SHAVE YOUR NECK. DON’T BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WITH A NECK BEARD. Do you not want to find a life partner? Just under your jawline, remove all hair. For three months, trim your beard using a  … trimmer.

Begin with the smallest setting, probably 3mm, let all the hair catch up and then move up to 7mm and so on. It hurts to compromise growth but if you really want something that is even, you have to be patient. Once you get to about 25mm it is time to stop trimming and move to scissors. Now it is up to you, whether you want the beard to be narrow or whether you want it to be rounded.

As you may have gathered from my previous comment, having a fat moustache is for guys that think House was invented in 2013 and enjoy licking last night’s kebab remains. So, trim it. Keep it small. Don’t let that shit go into your mouth.

That is the grooming aspect done but now you have to ask your feminine side for help. SHAMPOO YOUR FILTHY DISGUSTING BEARD EVERY DAY. Do you want girls to think you smell like shit? You want to ooze rugged manliness and you want babes to be attracted to you, so the irony is, you need to not be so manly, behind closed doors. Deep condition your beard once a week, if you are ‘too cool’ to know what deep conditioning is because you’re busy listening to records on a record player when you could just listen to YouTube rips on a digital system then it is when you leave the conditioner in your beard for 20 minutes or longer and then wash it out.

Deep condition once a week and condition it every other day. I know this may seem like a lot, but beard hair is not like head hair, it’s pubic, it literally feels like the hair around your manhood and that isn’t good, so do what you can to make it soft.

Finally, have one girly night a week where you either soak your beard in Argan oil or Coconut Oil. YOU MUST DO THIS. If you want the ultra-soft beard that women will snuggle into as they look up to you and admire how much of a man you are after chopping wood for the fire, then you must use these oils. If you don’t, you are a wasteman.

To be honest, I wish this interview was about beards instead of music, I think my beard advice would be more successful than my Grime career.

SPECIAL MESSAGE TO SOUTH ROYSTON FROM ZHA:

Don’t let man catch you slippin’ round Portswood, watch when I see you fam, man will show you the difference.

ZHA’s next gig is at Unit (for Lose Your Head) on the 23rd May (and the 30th May too). His next release will be the “Deep EP” out on the 10th May via Bandcamp.

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About Author

By day, Sida is a student at the University of Southampton and by night, he is a badman riddim selector shelling down soundbwoys left right and centre. He is also involved with DJSoc.

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